'Now then, about the saucy Lillian Gish calendar that was whipped out my office at Broadcasting House. It still hasn’t been returned and Robin is getting very tired of looking at the nail in the wall where it used to hang. Some kind listeners have sent me saucy calendars to replace Miss Gish, but most of them are a heck of a lot saucier than Miss Gish ever was! There was one of a strangely big girl, and if I'd hung that up on the wall and my boss had seen it - I'd not only have lost my Lillian Gish calendar I'd have lost my office and my job as well! You're not going to believe this but - she hadn't even got her vest on...'
- Sub Lt. Phillips: 'Coooor, hear I say, hahahaha, you havn't got it with you, hav you?'
Announcer: 'Not likley mate! That one is under the floor boards at home!'
CPO Pertwee: 'Right Oh, everyone round to Robin's place - Pertwee'l lead the way'
Announcer: 'Oh no you won’t, you haven’t got the time. Lieutenant Murray and the pair of you are wanted in Captain Povey's office immediately....'
Murray, Phillips and Pertwee arrive at Povey's office and Heather tells Povey they're here, 'Oh they've got up at last have they!' Povey tells them the Admiral wants them to sail to Portland to take part in some Naval Fleet Exercises.
Once they arrive (crash) at Portland they find the port deserted and ask a dockworker where everyone is, 'How should I know! They probably heard you were coming and took cover!'
They go to Ops and are told the real exercises are taking place off of Portsmouth, and the Admiral sent them to Portland to ensure the success of the exercise, 'He's a wily one alright'
The crew are invited to the Naval Air Station where their reputation is well known, 'Their helicopters spend most of their time rescuing chaps you've clobbered into the sea!' They are offered a ride in a helicopter which they accept, but Murray and Pertwee warn Phillips not to touch anything or distract the pilot.
- Sub Lt Phillips: 'For 2 pins I wouldn’t go up in the beastly thing now'.
Cmdr Murray: 'Chief?!'.
CPO Pertwee: 'I'm looking for a couple now, Sir!'
The pilot arrives and takes them to the helicopter the CO told them to use,
- Lt. Parfet: 'Its the oldest one we've got, therefore whatever happens won’t matter quite so much'
Pertwee: 'What made the CO detail you as our pilot'
Lt Parfet: 'Well if you must know, I'm not so hot either!'
Once up in the helicopter everything is going fine until Mr Phillips 'accidentally' sets off a smoke flare - and while they're trying to get it out of the helicopter, he sets of the distress rockets as well. When the confusion dies down, they find they've lost sight of land and Mr Phillips' antics have wrecked the compass. Pertwee starts to worry that they'll have to jump into the sea. Trying to reassure him, Mr Phillips shows him how the parachutes have self-inflating life boats in them - by pulling the little toggle and inflating the life boat - in the helicopter
- Murray: 'Chief'
Murray: 'If you feel the need to boot a certain superior officer, I shan't be looking'
Pertwee 'Most grateful Sir, but with this thing inflati-ma-cated I can't get near 'im'
They find land again and, while Mr Phillips is straining to look where they are, he falls out on the winch and is dragged through the sea on the end of the winch rope which can’t be wound up again
Back at Portsmouth, the Admiral is being annoyed by his Flag Lieutenant, 'Dingle Sir - Claude Dingle', and Povey is called by WRN Chasen and told of the crews exploits and a request by Portland Air Station to have their helicopter back. A signal indicating the helicopter towing the gunnery target for exercise sounds and the fleet open fire - but it’s the wrong helicopter and the 'target' its towing is really Mr Phillips
Afterwards at Povey's office, Povey tells them he and the Admiral have decided that they should go on a long trip to recover from their ordeal.
- Murray: Where to?
Captain Povey: 'Portland, Gentlemen'.
Murray, Phillips and Pertwee: Portland?
Portland - To get your blasted ship back!'
Cast and CrewEdit
- WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen
- Commander Povey - Richard Caldicot
- Commander Murray - Stephen Murray
- CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee
- Sub Lt Phillips - Leslie Phillips
- The Admiral - Tenniel Evans
- Flag Lt Dingle - Michael Bates
- Lt Pike - Michael Bates
- Lt Parfet - Ronnie Barker
- Written By: Laurie Wyman
- Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson