'No matter what your occupation, there's always the possibility that you'll find a typed written bomb on your desk when you get to the office in the morning. The Royal Navy is no exception to this rule, but in some ways it’s even worse - because your typed written bomb is on official paper, and has rubber stamps on it - which demand immediate action, or you'll be 'scrubing the decks mate'. Captain Povey is about to find he has one of these explosive communications on his desk as he settles in his faded, imitation leather, plastic covered, badly sprung, office chair this morning....'
Povey is shocked to find he has got a message from Whitehall that they are thinking of promoting Sub Lieutenant Phillips. He asks WRN Chasen to signal Troutbridge to tell Phillips to get to his office as soon as possible. Three seconds later Mr Phillips knocks on the door. When asked how he got there so quickly, Mr Phillips tells him CPO Pertwee told him the signal was coming days ago
- Captain Povey: 'I suppose he has a cousin in the signals office?'
Sub Lt. Phillips: 'No, a nephew who empties the wastepaper baskets after the Appointments Board meetings!'
Later on Troutbridge, Pertwee is complaining to No.1 about Phillips, who has been full of himself since the news of his promotion – even having his rank insignia and medal ribbons sown onto his pyjamas and swimming trunks - prompting Murray to remark that 'The prospect of promotion does seem to have gone to his head a little!' Mr Phillips then comes in with a signal telling him to be at the Admirals’ ship the following day for his exam board. Murray advises Phillips to revise, but Phillips claims is it not necessary,
- CPO Pertwee: 'And this from someone who thinks that the Plimsoll Mark is a footprint from a dirty gym shoe!'
Sub Lt. Phillips'Well - isn't it?'
The following day the launch arrives to take SL Phillips to the flagship. Murray and Pertwee go to Phillips' cabin, but get no response. Then Pertwee has an idea,
- CPO Pertwee: Oi, Admiral
Sub Lt. Phillips: Yes who is it?
CPO Pertwee: It’s Mr Murray and me, sir.
Sub Lt Phillips Well, what do you want?
CPO Pertwee: The best men have come to collect the groom!
They go in and are astounded by what Mr Phillips is wearing. He explains that he went to the naval tailors to have his uniform checked for the extra gold band he'll receive and that, 'One can't come out without buying something, can one?'. Pertwee and Murray tell Phillips he should change:
- Sub Lt. Phillips: Whats wrong with it?
Cmdr Murray: Starting from the top?
Sub Lt. Phillips: If you insist
CPO Pertwee: One wears One's Admirals hat from north to south Sir, not from east to west
Cmdr Murray: Neither does One wear a Feild Marshal's plumbs in it!
Sub Lt Phillips: Oh I thought they'd brighten it up a bit
CPO Pertwee: Item 3, one ceramonial sword is usually considered sufficent - not two
Sub Lt Phillips: Well.. one's for week days
CPO Pertwee: Item 4 - it's not considered authentic rig to wear spurs with seaboots!
Sub Lt Phillips: No?
Cmdr Murray: No!
After Phillips changes into regular uniform, they finally arrive at the flagship where Phillips is introduced to the exam board, Captain Hardcastle, Commander Whetherby, Captain Atcherson ('aaaaaaa Aaaaaaa AAAAAaaaa AAAAAAAAAAAchooo') and the president of the board.... Captain Povey, 'He never stood a chance!'. Phillips is questioned by the board, but leaves unsure as to the result.
A few days later the crew go to WRN Chasen to find out what happened and are rather surprised at the result, 'Mr Phillips was found Guilty!'
Unknown to Povey or the crew, all the promotion boards had been put back a week and the board was actually a court martial, but as no-one could remember what it was that Phillips was supposed to have done, he was let off.
The episode ends with Pertwee advising Mr Phillips on how to deal with the items he bought from the tailors.
Cast and CrewEdit
- WRN Chasen - Heather Chasen
- Captain Povey - Richard Caldicot
- Commander Murray - Stephen Murray
- CPO Pertwee - Jon Pertwee
- SL Phillips - Leslie Phillips
- AS Goldstein - Tenniel Evans
- Mr Queeg - Ronnie Barker
- Captain Hardcastle - Tenniel Evans (?)
- Captain Atcherson - Michael Bates
- Commander Whetherby - Jon Pertwee
- Written By: Laurie Wyman
- Produced By: Alastair Scott Johnson
|Navy Lark Season 8|
|Searching for Their Ship (a.k.a. Where is Troutbridge?) I Float a Peddle Fiddle I Gumming Up the Works (a.k.a. A Sticky Business) I Buoys Will Be Buoys I Steamship Day I Farewell to HMS Varsity I Blowing Themselves Up (a.k.a. The Army Lark) I Buying Tickets (a.k.a. Just the Ticket) I Mr Phillips’ Promotion I Pertwee and the Tratvian Beer I The PM Papa I Getting Rid of Pertwee I Off to Sea at Last|